The Heart of Upsets: Beyond Conflict
Posted by Jordan Paul on Jun 22nd, 2009. Related posts: Conflict Resolution • Love • Trust.
Upsets stemming from situations such as unmet expectations, broken agreements and clashing styles of behavior, are a normal part of every relationship. If you’re like most of us, serious upsets typically deteriorate into either conflict or withdrawing to avoid a conflict. From the ashes of many failed relationships, I’ve learned another way.
Responding from the heart in the face of difficulties is the road less traveled. It is what distinguishes our most inspirational heroes, such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Mary Stokes Paul.
I think of the heart as a powerful and loving energy that will not allow our integrity to be compromised and will not compromise the integrity of anyone else. Responding to a potential conflict from the heart leaves us feeling best about ourselves, like our own hero and opens the door for a deepening intimacy in our relationships.
There are many feelings and behaviors that describe the heart, such as love, warmth, and caring. Simply put, they all embody compassion and learning.
In an upsetting situation there are always very important reasons for beliefs, behavior, thoughts or feelings. With an attitude of compassion, we respectfully engage in:
- Wanting to deeply understand the other person’s position.
- Learning about our own position and any part we may have in the difficulty.
- Searching for resolutions that preserve everyone’s integrity.
Although staying heart-connected in the face of upsets is an ideal that no one is always able to maintain, losing our heart does not cause the worst of our difficulties. Failing to learn from those experiences is the Achilles heel that festers into serious relationship problems.
The essential first step in living more heart-connected is to know when you have lost your heart connection. A simple way to know this is to ask yourself, “Am I feeling compassion and am I open to learning about myself and my partner?” Without that awareness you are stuck.
Once you realize that you are disconnected you can:
- Take personal responsibility and acknowledge that you have lost your heart connection. For example, “In trying to prove my point and change you. I lost my heart and I feel badly about that.”
- Do something to regain your center, such as taking some deep breaths or a time out.
- Learn more about the beliefs and fears that created your disconnection. “There are some important issues for me to confront here and I am committed to working on them. I’d also like to know more about your thoughts and feelings.”
- Express sadness about any wounding that occurred when you were disconnected and clean up the difficulties that resulted. Such as, “I feel badly that I disrespected you, and I would like to heal any bad feelings.”
- Begin a compassionate dialogue to resolve the difficulties. “Is there anything else you’re needing before we can try again to get through this issue, and in particular, are you needing anything else from me?
No related posts.
Thank you for helping us understanding ourselves and our loved ones, who really are a reflection of ourselves.
It came to my attention lately that love is really not just a warm fuzzy feeling but really a powerful strength inside ourself to honor and tap into that really takes its full potential when we can let go of our own needs and give first in the way of being present for our partner.
It is easy to say that we love when life is flowing nicely, it is more of a challenge when we hit the inevitable bumps of life.
Relationships can be a great way to learn about ourself and grow. Also practicing a form of self observation in the form of meditation seems to my experience a powerful way to help going through the tough times that any relationship has to go through. Personally i have been practicing Vipassana meditation very regularly this past 6 months and it has helped me a lot understand how i can be better to myself and so forth to others.
eric
Hi Eric,
Thanks for stopping by Ugluu and for taking the time to leave a comment.
I like your statement that “Relationships can be a great way to learn about ourself and grow.” Wow! Have I found that to be true. Nearly all of my best life lessons have come out of being in relationship with someone else.
Well said. We hope to see you here at Ugluu again.
Jordan: You have set out a standard and challenge that will take the rest of our lives pursuing – and maybe a few future lives, too. Awfully hard to remember these principles when in the heat of conflict. But working towards it, is definitely worthwhile.The specific examples in the five to do’s when disconnected are particularly helpful – brings it for the abstract to the practical.
Jordan,
Your contributions to our awareness are always insightful. As a long time friend and admirer of your commitment to the heart, it is great to see your ideas reaching larger audiences.
Just today, I was denied a loan from a community bank. Not a big loan, just enough to help me meet a $30,000 obligation. I felt let down, since the banker had implied that “everything was in order and looked good”. I immediately felt anger toward the entire financial industry rise within me, primarily since I lost my job in January due to the deep contractions in our consumer based economy. You know, I have spent decades cultivating compassion, understanding and unconditional love.
Do me a favor please, blog to the financial sector! When bankers place equal or greater value on helping responsible citizens as they do upon maximizing their profit, we will be closer to the ideal world of kindness and caring you and I have spent years nurturing into existence. With all your wisdom, can you explain why business (i.e. economic expediency and the proverbial bottom line) can’t embrace the principles you espouse? All the compassion in my heart and yours combined has not yet transformed the “harsh realities” and structural flaws of our capitalist society thus far. Please hear me deeply, this is not blame or “poor me”. It is an appeal to all of us to recognize we must step up to profoundly change our “system”. With love and respect, Bud
Bud and Dr. Potter,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving us your thoughts.
Dr. Potter – great point about the difficulty of remembering these ideas in the heat of conflict.
Bud – Thank you for sharing your experience. Maybe by sharing it you will stimulate other people’s thinking about compassion and how it applies in the world of business.
Aloha Jordan,
My heart melts when I read something you’ve written and this article is lovely. I’m pretty good at taking personal responsibility once I see what I’ve done or not done. I realize however, that often after I’ve been straight about my part in the upset, I have remained protected, when I’m really wanting to reconnect.
Somehow for me there seems to be some confusion around what happens after confessing about my part. Even when I’m honest at times I feel like I’ve just capitulated. That doesn’t feel good. Sometimes I when I’ve shared I feel really open and it feels fantastic. Anyone else out there share this confusion?
Brenda
Ugluu has done a beautiful job of posting your wise thoughts on loving relationships. One thought is to post a tweet about this on Twitter, tip your friends off when you do it, and ask them to retweet. I’ll be glad to and that will spread the word to my followers.
Thanks, Jordan, for sending your wisdom… beautifully said, and I can’t add much to the thoughtful responses of others. I look forward to future thoughts you publish from your heart. Blessings of Peace!
Jordan, as always, your words fill my heart with joy and the desire to PRACTICE and learn more and more, from the heart, not the head and most of all, not the ego! You are truly a gift and i am so grateful you share your wisdom in some many ways and places. Thank you, from my heart.
Kathleen: Practice and awareness are the keys. Without the awareness that I’m off-center and out-of-balance I’m stuck being disconnected from my heart. With that awareness I have choice. When I choose to reconnect to my heart I can learn what fears and beliefs got me off-center and I can clean up any difficulties that occurred as a result of my heart disconnection.
Brenda: Yes, this can be confusing. It might help to remember that there are always very important reasons for your behavior. “Confessing your part” sounds like you feel wrong. When you find the good reasons for your behavior you won’t feel wrong and that you have capitulated. Does this make sense and is it helpful?
Beverly: I still have difficulty remembering this in the heat of a conflict. I’m human and carry around lots of fears and beliefs that often get touched off in a conflict and my intellect goes out the window. Once I realize this it’s time to recenter, learn and clean up messes. The more I learn the better I become about staying in my center. It’s a lifetime practice of traveling on a path toward a perfection that I may never achieve (I’ve never read about nor do I know any human being who does this all the time, especially with loved one’s) but the further along the path I go the better my life works for me. Thanks for being a fellow traveler.
Bud: I too am fascinated by the lack of heart-connected values in the business community. Until you recognize the importance of living with a double or triple bottom line, business as usual is limited by a profit motive alone. There are more business people finding and writing about their exceptional experiences in living with more heart. One such hero of mine in this regard is Jim Autry. He has written a blog that will be posted soon at http://www.BeyondConventionalWisdomBlog.com. Stay tuned and let’s keeping working toward this change in the business community. With the leader we now giving us a chance at a new “politics as usual” maybe we can move toward a very different “business as usual.”
Eric: Beautifully said. You are a poet as well as an incredible photographer. A very important reason for being in relationship is to learn about ourselves. Without that learning we become stuck blaming others for our difficulties and trying to get them to change rather that learning about how we can stay in our hearts no matter what others are doing. That’s a real challenge.
As always, Jordan, you are a master at the art of loving. It is quite amazing to me that we
still live in a world which does not teach loving in the schools or, for that matter,
anywhere else. But, for people like you -
thanks. We are beginning to have a better planet.
I, for one, am finding that my heart has been
closed since the attack of 9/11 and am
just discovering my own wall, crumbling, bit
by bit, letting in a bit more joy each day.
I hope to dialogue with you on Public Radio
again very soon.
With Regard,
Katy Byrne, MFT
conversationswithkatyc.om
Since I know Jordan Paul personally, I am always touched even more deeply by his advocating for heart connections. Why? He lives the way he advises. His energy connects with others as to heart, mind, spirit and body. He offers that same rare combination in his work. I’m reading his fabulous book: Be Your Own Hero. He shares tremendous experience with wise words and connections. Blessings and peace to all life on this planet. Frosty Wooldridge
Thank you for sharing your knowledge, wisdom and experience with us in such a concise manner. So value being able to read “1 page” and get the whole picture. You give a situation that occurs and immediately suggest some ways to handle it. I now have a new tool to help myself with. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us.
Grandpa Jordan – What a beautiful post! You and my husband think so alike and I just love you both. I am thankful to have had influences in my life (like my Father / your son) that have already set me up with some of these understandings. Mastering them seems to be my challenge. Your wisdom is valued and loved.
From my heart,
Jessica Blackwell
“Responding from the heart in the face of difficulties is the road less traveled.” Beautiful quote, as we should all try to connect with the heart in difficult times – it’s the point from which love and truth emerge.
Dr. Jordan Paul,
Thank you for the lovely written concise set of tools of connecting with others from the heart with integrity and self/Self awareness. So glad that your very important message is getting out!!
Carpe Diem!
Glennis
Glennis Gita (Walters) Smith glennis@jumpintuit.com
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Aloha Jordan, I know how deeply you care about making change, in your personal life and the lives of others. This commitment is a guiding light for your continued expression and guidance, inside and out. Blessings to you, Kay
Dear Jordan,
Thank you for sending us this blog.
No useful comment until I’ve given it more thought and some practice. (After all, I want to see if I can remember it in the heat of conflict…)
Warmly,
Eve
Eve: You have already given a most insightful and important observation. When confronting an upsetting situation and our emotions predominant, which occurs most of the time, our intellect with all our thoughts, promises, ideals etc. gets lost. We can strive toward more heart-connected responses and along the way ameliorate the negative consequences of losing our hearts by:
1. Becoming more aware when we have lost that connection.
2. Committing to return to our heart when that connection is lost.
3. Once reconnected to our center, learning from and working toward resolving the fears and beliefs that caused our disconnection.
4. Cleaning up the messes that were created by our off-center/unloving responses.
Jordan-having know you for over 40 years, I have benefited greatly from your guidance and friendship. It is wonderful that you have a forum for spreading the word to others. This wisdom that you share is a profound one.
Thank you for helping us to discover more about ourselves, while at the same time creating more satisfying and meaningful relationships with those around us. Thank you!
This is a profoundly important post. I’m so glad I clicked over to receive these pearls of wisdom. You say so much. It is, isn’t it, what distinguishes these great loving souls from the rest…their ability to come from the heart and be about solutions, not problems and egos?
To come from the heart, I’ve found forgiveness to be the very essence of that journey and of love, actually. How really can we keep an intimate relationship going but with daily rounds of forgiveness?
Thank you for this!
http://www.twitter.com/JuletteMillien
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