Many parents may disagree on how to raise their children, but few would disagree that Child A below entering college or the work force has a much better chance for a good life than Child B.

Child A

• Focused
• Resilient
• Persistent
• Passionate
• Goal-oriented
• Handles Disappointment Well
• Doesn’t Take Self Too Seriously
• Coachable

Child B

• Scattered
• Quits
• Bails
• Bored
• No Goals
• Is Easily Upset
• Hypersensitive
• Know-it-all

12 Steps to a More Self-Confident Child*

1. Print up this blog for your children and the article from Divorce Magazine (from which these charts are excerpted) for your spouse (or ex-spouse).
2. Ask your children and your spouse if you can sit down with them to discuss something that relates to your children’s futures and is on your mind.
3. Have your children read this blog and have you and your spouse read the Divorce Magazine article and look at the chart re: Child A and Child B (which will help you be aware of how you and your relationship with your spouse influence your children’s personalities).
4. Ask your children if they think that Child A will not only be more successful and happier, but will be looked upon more positively by friends and others who may be that child’s teachers, boss or even future boy friend or girl friend (Hopefully they will agree).
5. Ask your children how they believe they would be viewed with regard to the traits in both Child A and Child B by their friends and those people in their life (including you) who have the power to grade them (teachers), accept them into college, hire them, promote them and give them raises.
6. Ask your children to describe what they do or don’t do that would cause those people to see them that way.
7. If your children answer that they are more like the insecure Child B rather than the confident Child A, ask them if they would like to become more like Child A? (Hopefully they will again say, “Yes”).
8. If your children answer, “Yes,” ask them what they specifically would need to do differently to become more like Child A and what you and their other parent will need to do differently to help them become that way.
9. Ask your spouse if they will participate in working together with you to help your children become more like Child A.
10. Set up a plan with one observable positive “do” behavior and one observable negative “stop doing” behavior for your children to commit to changing every month (after a month that behavior will become a habit and if they pick too many behaviors to change, they will not be able to do it) and keep doing this until they become more like Child A than Child B.
11. Set a date every two weeks to check in and to see how they are coming along with that change and for your children and you and your spouse to offer refinements to improve those selected behaviors even further.
12. Also include you and your spouse changing your behaviors according to what your children say you each could do differently to help them.

* This approach was inspired by the work and ideas of Marshall Goldsmith, one of the world’s preeminent executive coaches and author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful. Check that book out if you want to improve your interpersonal skills and greatly increase your career success.

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