Buon Giorno Coffee, located about a mile from my office, has built a booming business for that very reason.  It sells good coffee, but those who gather there go for connection.  It’s definitely a destination stop; there are no other shopping attractions nearby.  On any week night, you’ll find teens hanging out there to do their school projects.  On weekday mornings, moms meet for muffins, Bible studies, investment seminars, and after-workout lunch dates.  Business professionals take their laptops there to work out spreadsheet data with a colleague.  Couples meet friends there after a ball game.  Lines are long, but nobody seems to mind waiting for a table.  Tables are not the point; hanging around is.

What do they all have in common?  Talking to someone who cares to listen.

Starbucks also generates buzz because it creates community for those who gather there.  A couple of years ago, it “featured” a book called Listening Is an Act of Love, a collection of compelling excerpts from more than 10,000 interviews recorded and compiled by StoryCorps founder Dave Isay.  Each story—a single moment in time, either historical, emotional, or personal—grabs the essence of that person and reflects their human struggles with love, family, loyalty, or whatever.

StoryCorp’s founder had a correct hunch: Many people feel invisible. They believe that what they think, feel, and say doesn’t matter.  They fear they’ll be forgotten once they leave planet earth—that their lives will not have mattered.  So all the producer had to do was to provide a facility, recording equipment, and a facilitator, and then wait for people to invite their family members and friends to sit down and talk.

The results:  Poignant stories for those willing to listen.

French philosopher Voltaire summed it up well:  “The shortest route to a man’s heart is through the ear.”

As you approach the high school or college reunion, graduation ceremony, wedding, family gathering, or other social event, consider your listening-talking differential:  Which body part does most of the work when you’re with friends and family—ears or mouth?   Where’s the love?

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The good news is we can support each other to change in positive, far-reaching ways. For example, Dr. Mimi Silbert at Delancey Street has transformed more than five thousand former drug addicts, pimps and thieves into productive citizens. Individuals who were once warehoused in prisons now have jobs that contribute to society.

In our book, Influencer, my co-authors and I chronicle the work of Silbert and other powerful influencers. We discovered eight principals these change agents use to resolve some of the world’s toughest challenges. Here are three:

1. Change the Way You Change Minds

Change starts with a change of mind. Before people will abandon long-standing behaviors and adopt new, healthier behaviors, they must believe two things. First, they must think, “I can do it!” and second, they must believe that, “If I do, it’ll be worth it.”

To help yourself or others believe they can change and that it will be worth it, create personal experiences. Instead, of trying to persuade or convince them, help people experience the new behavior and the resulting consequences for themselves.

To do this, take others on field trips where they can watch the target behaviors in action. For instance, when a production plant full of automobile employees didn’t believe their Japanese competitors actually produced more per employee; executives flew a team to Japan where they watched their competitors in action. Now they believed.

2. Find Vital Behaviors

How do you lose weight? You could follow a strict diet. Or perhaps you could take weight loss pills. It turns out neither approach is successful. However, if you study people who have successfully lost the weight and kept it off, you’ll discover a few vital behaviors that lead to the difference. These successful people ate breakfast every morning, exercised at home, and weighed themselves more than once a week.

Masters of influence understand that key results stem from changing a handful of vital behaviors. Instead of selecting the trendiest technique or solution, they go to great pains to locate the few behaviors that matter by studying those who have succeeded in the face of failure.

3. Make the Undesirable Desirable

Humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. So, when the requisite task is noxious, painful, or boring, find a way to make it more desirable. You can either change the task itself, or help people view it in a new way. Individuals who take pleasure in their work tie it to core values and human consequences. For example, help people see how a job, although not particularly interesting, is intimately tied to customer satisfaction.

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