In my training as a business coach, I was fascinated to learn a term for the space between where you are and where you want to be: edge.

Two examples in my manual are:

1. Trying on a new idea or perspective.
2. Being a shy person and choosing to speak up.

I certainly know the feeling and suspect you do, too. That’s where the word edgy comes up – that uncomfortable place between who you are now and who you’d like to become.

The illustration in one of my coaching manuals describing this scenario as an upside-down V.  Over the holidays I received a delightful holiday card from my friend and colleague bearing an illustration by her son. It was actually a more memorable representation than the one in my fancy notebook, illustrating the unstable and scary place between those worlds. There’s the “skier” whose primary identity (shy person) is on the left. The secondary identity (one who speaks up) is on the right and an arrow crossing the peak of the V pointing from the primary to the secondary. When we’re poised on the top of that mountain, it’s a tenuous place.

I have a fairly successful track record, but there are still times when I find myself terrified when a new challenge comes my way. Part of my success has come from consistently looking for higher bars to vault over.

My recommendation for those of you “on the edge” is to break intimidating tasks into their tiniest fragments. Basically the way to overcome fear boils down to writing a letter, dialing the phone or putting a higher sticker price on your product or service. More often than not, what terrifies me and a lot of other people, is the anticipation before you do something and the fear that comes afterward. Actually doing the thing you are afraid of is often the easy part. Go for it!

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We don’t listen to words. We don’t believe “controlled” facial expressions. Our primal knowing cuts through social masks to feel the fear. Within seconds, we communicate our feelings with each other – intensifying whatever feeling we have. “Some stress is healthy and necessary to keep us alert and occupied,” says researcher, Spencer Rathus. In fact, “Most people do their best under mild to moderate stress,” finds Janet DiPietro, a developmental psychologist at Johns Hopkins University.

Unfortunately, since our brain is wired to help us survive, we feel fear faster, more intensely and longer that any positive emotion. Plus we spread it faster.

Worse yet, research shows that we least like the person in the situation who looks or sounds most unhappy. That’s a downward spiral that isolates the most vulnerable person in the herd while making the rest increasingly upset and reactionary.

That’s why Emotional Freedom author, Judith Orloff believes that “Fear is the mother of all negative emotions.” It is often expressed as anger, blaming or frustration. “Fear renders intelligent people dumb. They are not clear-headed or intuitively in synch enough to make brave decisions,” found Orloff. Consequently, when you first begin to feel fearful or angry, change the channel in your mind. Rather than catastrophizing about the future, focus on your current situation. Your best bet is to immediately:

1. Breathe deeply and slowly, inhale and exhale – even for just a minute.
2. Think of what you can do – even a small thing – towards making the situation better.
3. Take that action, then plan the next one.

In effect, you are viewing the source of your fear as an obstacle not an insurmountable wall. As Nelson Mandela said, “Fear is contagious, so is fearlessness. The sooner you act to change your mood and behavior the less damage you’ll do to yourself or your relationships – and the more options you’ll have.

With practice this three-step Mood Channel Change Habit will become second nature. Inevitably that leads to a happier life with others.

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