When you add it all up – incessant Web surfing; over-allegiance to chat rooms, forums and discussion groups; fixation on online pornography, gambling and games; music, movie and other media downloading; and a wide variety of other fixation – the portrait of a society and indeed a world sitting on its derriere, breezing through one
screen after another emerges.

By some estimates, as many as 10% of Web users are living with one or more forms of Internet dependency, which has now been given the name of Internet Addiction Disorder, or IAD. IAD, as acknowledged by the American Psychiatric Association, is characterized by individuals who devote gargantuan amounts of time to online activities to the detriment of their careers, studies, families or loved ones, and social and community participation.

If you find yourself spending increasing amounts of time online and experiencing a growing sense of anxiety when you’re not online, you may be at risk. What’s more, the phenomena is not confined to the Internet per se. People who check their cell phones, pagers, telephone answering devices, and any electronic information or communication gizmos on a too frequent basis may be exhibiting addictive behavior.

Are you spending less time devoted to career, community, social and recreational pursuits because of the amount of time you find yourself online. You know you’ve gone too far when you’re experiencing relationship woes, loss of friendships, loss of sleep, and, in particular, career or academic jeopardy.

The key to overcoming any addiction is to first acknowledge that you indeed are afflicted. Following that acknowledgment, you then have to summon the requisite motivation to change. Without realization and motivation, nothing is likely to happen.

Unquestionably, the Internet is a marvel of our age. The ability to find answers, make connections, order goods, satisfy curiosities, control the vast sea of knowledge contained therein is certainly enticing. It boggles my mind to think what Da Vinci, Newton, Einstein, and other geniuses throughout human history could have achieved aided by the knowledge they could have gained using the Internet. At the same time, such geniuses, being all too human, may too have fallen into some of the same traps in which we mere mortals now find ourselves firmly ensconced.

As with so many aspects of life, the key to using the Internet effectively is to achieve a fine balance. First, if this works for you, establish a time limit for daily use. Thirty minutes a day many not be enough, three hours may be excessive. At work, depending on your job responsibilities, all day may be the norm. Thus, your task is to choose the limits for your personal life.

Recognize that excessive Web use may be the indicator of problems in other aspects of your life. Are you devoting time here because there are voids elsewhere? Or are you using the Internet as a tool of procrastination in shirking your responsibilities? If you recognize that you’re using the Internet to avoid the challenges of life, shying away from battles that need to be fought, it might be a good idea to speak to a therapist.

Most of us surf the net alone. But if you find reading up on the news or keeping current in some other pursuit is rewarding and enjoyable, you don’t have to forsake your family or friends in the process. Can you arrange your space so that you and your significant other, you and your children, or you and whoever can be online at the same time in close proximity, such as at the same table, so that, much like playing cards or a board game, you achieve a variation on the theme of togetherness. That in itself may go a long way towards alleviating some of the problems that excessive time on the Internet may be causing.

What step will you take now to turn from the screen, to go out and enjoy time with the people you value – proving to them that you do?

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Here’s a handy checklist to make your next meeting so productive that people leave with a strong sense of purpose and plans to support each other.

Running the meeting

Be sure to have a clear purpose for each meeting that can be articulated in advance to invited attendees.

Only invite individuals who are needed for the decisions to be made at that meeting.

It is the rare meeting that needs to last more than 20 minutes.

Agree to discuss topics that need joint decision-making or timely clarification of information for individuals to prepare their next actions.

Don’t use meetings for:

• disseminating information that can be shared in other ways.
• report-outs of information that is not relevant to all individuals in the room.

The only people invited to a meeting should be those who have some value to add or something to contribute to the agenda and purpose of the meeting.

What to do before, during and after a meeting

Before the meeting, make sure the topics on the agenda are going to be relevant to everyone in the room. Determine the agenda ahead of time and send it to everyone. Invite them to add to or clarify something on the agenda so that the attendees have some say in what is going to be talked about. They should be part of the decision-making.

During the meeting, engage individuals by name and related to the topic being discussed.  Avoid side conversations or tangential comments.  Avoid “death by PowerPoint” by using it sparingly and with images versus words to best engage the right side of the brain.

To ensure a thread to the group’s conversation, evoke the Native American tradition of using a “talking stick.”  Whoever has the stick gets to talk. When done it is passed to one person who wants to pick up the thread of that conversational point. This helps introverts break into the conversation and be heard without interruption, and it reduces the frequency of people talking over each other or interrupting.

The underlying rule is to let everyone be heard while keeping the conversation flowing towards a collective decision – even if that acknowledged decision is that the group has not yet reached agreement.

Before the meeting is adjourned, review the actions items agreed upon, the person accountable for each and the related timelines. When people feel heard, appreciated, and able to use their best talents, they are more likely to volunteer for tasks.

As a core Rule of Engagement for your meetings, those who are accountable for actions meet their deadlines, brief colleagues sparingly by email and warn them in advance when a deadline cannot be met, providing their alternative plan for completing it.

Some researchers believe that 90 percent of meetings don’t have to happen. If you are calling for a meeting, clearly state the mutual benefit or main goal for all attendees to participate and the specific need(s) for each individual to attend. That is your surest sign of respect and understanding amongst your colleagues.

Further tips for productive meetings

1. Confirm that the suggested meeting time is convenient for all participants
2. Make and stick to an action-based agenda that has received input from participants before the meeting.
3. Listen well: specifically respond to what you hear, proving you understood, and then offer your opinion.
4. Be clear, brief and specific in your communication.
5. Be engaged, purposeful and thoughtful so that you don’t derail the conversation and stay focused on reaching decisions in a timely, collaborative manner.
6. Recognize individuals for their specific contributions.
7. Honor participants’ time: if you are finished with the agenda for a one hour meeting in just 30 minutes, adjourn.  If you are not finished a 30-minute meeting at the 30-minute mark, schedule another meeting and adjourn.
8. Eliminate unnecessary meetings by reviewing the agenda to see if the items could be accomplished by email, phone or smaller meetings of fewer people.

DON’T’S

1. Don’t hog all the airtime.
2. Don’t reprimand anyone in front of the group.
3. Don’t check or use your blackberry, iPhone or other device while in the meeting.
4. Don’t do the opposite of any of the tips listed above – unless you have a better rule to propose – and I encourage you to propose it in the comments below!

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Neuroscientist Tania Singer and her team recruited volunteers to play a game. Some were asked to play by the rules. Others were instructed to ignore them. To not play fair.

After all participants played the game together, they were then asked to observe each other in a second activity. Scientists measured some of the volunteers’ brain activity as they observed some of their former game opponents apparently being subjected to different levels of pain.

Result?

The brain areas that signal pain became active in all who thought they were observing pain in others. This provides neural evidence of their empathy.

Yet, when those who’d played “unfairly” in the earlier game appeared to be in pain, male volunteers who observed them showed significantly less empathetic brain activity than when they saw fair-players in apparent pain. In fact men felt more desire for revenge.

For women the response was different. They showed the brain responses of empathy regardless of how they felt about the participants’ moral behavior. Earlier research supports this finding.
Regrettably, I feel I’d respond more like a man in this experiment.

Learn more about how our brain affects our behavior in Donald Pfaff’s book, The Neuroscience of Fair Play. Relatedly read On Being Certain and Predictably Irrational.

Here’s the good news. Men and women can use meditation to change our instinctively negative reactions – even in the face of unfair or otherwise negative behavior. Monitoring the brains of Tibetan monks at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, neuroscience professor Richard Davidson found that the monk’ first instinct was compassion rather than anger.

Here’s the bad news, at least for many of us.

To become that compassionate, monks spent at least 10,000 hours in meditation. Learn more about the power of compassion in Emotional Awareness, a book by the foremost expert on reading faces and on lying, Paul Ekman.

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“My life is the complete opposite of everything that I want it to be.”

Jerry says, “Since all of your instincts are wrong, then the opposite must be right.”

George immediately realizes that this is a great idea. So, instead of ordering his usual lunch, he orders something totally different. Suddenly a beautiful woman turns to look at him. Now, instead of relying on his usual unsuccessful pick-up technique of pretending to more wealthy or more sophisticated than he is, George simply says:

“Hi. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”

She looks at him with a big smile, and answers in a sultry voice. “Hello.”

Later, George takes the woman to a movie. Sitting behind them are two tough looking men who are speaking loudly and kicking their seats. Instead of his normal reaction of shrinking in fear, George stands up and tells them to shut up. Stunned by this direct response, the men cower. Later, George has a chance interview with George Steinbrenner. Instead of trying to flatter him, George confronts Steinbrenner, telling him off for doing a lousy job with the team, and Steinbrenner immediately hires him. Now, with a beautiful girlfriend, new-found confidence, and a dream job, George realizes the power of his new strategy.

George’s new life happened because he identified routine patterns of thought and behavior that don’t work, and found a new way of being that allows for growth, freedom and prosperity. His path to growth includes four essential steps:

1. Objectively look at your situation and, without blame or guilt, acknowledge that there’s a problem. When we do this, new opportunities appear that we could not have imagined
2. Be honest with yourself and with others about who you are; your inclinations, skills, strengths, and limitations. As George discovered, we are most effective, successful, and charismatic when we are honest about who we are.
3. Act with courage. George tells the two loud men in the movie theater to shut up, even though his natural inclination is to do nothing, or to run away. George found that fearful things shrink when confronted head on; they appear to be threatening thugs but are, in reality, just a lot of noise and distraction that dissolve when looked at directly.
4. Speak the truth. George learned that successful people actually want to hear the truth, even when – or especially when -  it is difficult to hear.

As George demonstrated, and as all wisdom traditions tell us, we can choose how we respond to the people and events in our lives, and create new ways of being that bring about positive transformation.

Image by thinkpublic.

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It’s very hard to find an exceptional service experience with all the automation, cost cutting, streamlining, and off-shoring going on in business. But how is the service culture within your organization?

“First, Take Good Care of Each Other.” That’s what the sign in the lobby of each Experient office says. When I was part of the leadership team there, we had a very strong belief that in order to lead the industry in serving our external clients and suppliers, we had to first play well in our own sandbox. The sign in the lobby was a gift from the Anaheim Marriott’s GM, Doug Watson, who also believed in the power of internal customer service.

We all have customers, whether they are external or internal. High-performing organizations will develop and nurture a culture that emphasizes a strong commitment to service, in house and out in the field. Employees who enjoy their jobs and their relationships with their co-workers are more likely to offer excellent service when it comes to the paying customers.

Here are some ways to develop great internal service culture:

Get together — Pot-luck lunches, drinks after work, birthday celebrations, a community project … these are just a few of the ways employees from different departments can come together to get to know each other, beyond the day-to-day grind.

Show gratitude — When was the last time you thanked someone in accounting or told his or her boss how valuable s/he is? How about arranging to have candy or pizza delivered to some of your colleagues who are working through crunch time? Or maybe really blow them away and proactively offer your assistance? Random acts of kindness are truly appreciated, especially by those in the trenches. An organization that has a good balance of timely public and private recognition is sure to have motivated employees.

Walk a mile in their shoes — Does everyone in your organization understand and appreciate the various responsibilities of their co-workers and how they can positively or negatively affect their efforts? Have you ever shadowed another department for a day or even a few hours? This tactic is especially insightful for those departments that rely on each other. Complaints will quickly diminish.

Coordinate deadlines — Instead of directing co-workers to turn a project around by what may be an unreasonable date, ask them what kind of turnaround works for them, given their other priorities.

Cut the gossip — If someone complains to you about another employee, do you instruct them to take their issue directly to that employee or do you help spread the disease within your organization?

Make team decisions — Are decisions made from above and then communicated to the rank and file or are employees asked to provide valuable input on decisions that impact their area?

Standardize service, inside and out — Have you developed best practices for providing service that apply to both external and internal customers?  Do they address speed of response, tone, attitude, and mutual respect? Are they reinforced and recognized on an ongoing basis?

Take Away

To distinguish yourself as an organization that delivers exceptional customer service, you need to start from the inside out, and from the top down. That means cultivating an internal culture of respect and support for each other, from the CEO to the receptionist.

You can help that along by seeking opportunities to:  get together outside of the office, thank each other for a job well done, get to know everyone’s roles, communicate directly with each other, and work together as a team — especially when it comes to making deadlines and decisions.

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1. Listening Is an Act of Leadership

I wonder if this sounds familiar at all. Have you ever had this experience at work? Begun a meeting or a conference call, or even initiated a project, running full steam ahead and expecting others to keep up. Or perhaps you’ve been the one pulled by someone else. We do it all the time.

In my pursuit and practice of Working for Good over the past three decades, I’ve found that how we work is as, if not more, important than what we do. We can work in a green business, a social service organization, or some other endeavor focused on making the world a better place, but if we treat others and ourselves with disregard or disrespect in the process, we end up creating something far short of our intention. The process is the product.  And the process is about connecting.

The more I practice the skills of Working for Good–which I identify as awareness, embodiment, connection, collaboration, and integration–while carrying the intention to serve through my work, the more I relate to an insight by Mother Teresa:

I never look at the masses as my responsibility; I look at the individual. I can only love one person at a time—just one, one, one. So you begin. I began—I picked up one person. Maybe
if I didn’t pick up that one person, I wouldn’t have picked up forty-two thousand. . . .The same thing goes for you, the same thing in your family, the same thing in your church, your community. Just begin—one, one, one.

Working for Good is essentially about how we show up for one person at a time, and for each person we encounter. There is no “saving the world,” but there is co-creating it with one another. To do that, we have to truly be with one another. The place we start from is always the same. Right here. And the time of our departure is always the same. Right now.

Try this: Slow down. Connect with yourself. Connect with whomever you are with. And move from there.

Image courtesy www.sxc.hu.

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1. Never discuss business in bed.
   When your business partner is also your spouse, you must create spaces where business is not spoken. Stick to this rule even when you get an idea so hot you don’t think it can wait until the next day. Get up and get out of the bedroom.
2. Have a business plan, but prepare to make changes in it as your enterprise grows and evolves.
   Without one, you run the risk of reacting to whatever comes along. A business plan helps you distinguish between what furthers your goals and what distracts from them.
3. Let the talents/interests/tendencies of each partner determine the division of labor and try to stick to it.
   For example, if one of you is creative or gifted in sales and marketing, give him or her free rein.  Appreciate the partner who does the grunt work like book-keeping and ordering supplies.  Agree to delegate essential tasks neither one wants, e.g. a virtual assistant for administrative chores.
4. Impose business hours on your work day so your business doesn’t overrun your life.
   Schedule meetings for specific purposes, take notes as you would in any work setting, and put all follow up tasks on a calendar. Write everything down. A structure, like the division of labor, helps you to avoid duplicating effort and minimizes the chances of important tasks falling through the cracks.
5. Set aside time when you don’t discuss business at all.
   This is tough when the business is fun and/or demanding.  Achieving a good work/life balance is important for its own sake, and your relationship — and perhaps your business as well — will be the better for it. Take an exercise break together or apart. Learn to enjoy being together in silence: reading, meditating, or gardening.
6. Avoid criticism; focus on what works well and what you can do better, individually and as a team.
   Practice communication skills you’d use on a client on each other. Make requests of each other.  Don’t complain.
7. Consult on and make all the big decisions together.
   Let the smaller decisions be made by the one chiefly responsible, then stand by that decision. Of course, this is rarely so cut and dried, but it helps to have the intention and trust each other to follow through.
8. Above all, have fun.
   Learn to laugh at your mistakes. If you’re like many people, you have had work that wasn’t always satisfying or fulfilling. This is an opportunity to create a work environment that WORKS for you, with the person you know better than any co-worker or employee, by your side. Enjoy the journey together and celebrate accomplishments and victories, big and small.

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Most people, it seems, talk more than listen. They want to be heard, want to make their point. But don’t we all respond better to someone who listens to us? Really listens, so that we feel that we are actually understood? The difference is profound.

It is important advice to remember in discussions where there are different points of view, such as with people from different departments in a company. In fact, this is where our client usually found the reminder most helpful. A company’s president, CFO, head of HR, and head of marketing typically have a very different points of view about issues that affect the company.

The advice is important in negotiation. Rather than just pressing for what you want, if you first understand what is most important to the party you are negotiating with, you may well be able to come to an agreement that gives you both more of what you want.

The advice is important in personal relationships. Many arguments stem from a simple misunderstanding. Mismatched expectations or underlying assumptions are often the problem. Rather than reacting to what was said, if we seek first to understand what the other person expects and assumes, the conversation may not turn into an argument at all.

Being a marketing guy, I’ve found that this great advice is rarely considered in marketing or in sales. Most companies’ marketing reflects the company’s point of view rather than the customers’. But we know that isn’t effective. Prospective customers want to know what the product or service will do for them, not just what it will do. They want to know how what the company offers meets their needs, relieves their pain, or fulfills their desires. They want to know why they should deal with that company, not just why the company thinks its offerings are worth buying.

Here is a sales example: Let’s say you are shopping for tires. The salesman tells you all about the latest performance tires that look cool and really hug the curves. But if you are interested in tires that will last the longest, guess what? He has lost you.

If he pushes the latest “in” thing like tires have the lowest profile, and you are interested in tires that give a comfortable ride or have the best safety rating, he has lost you.

But, if he seeks first to understand what is important to you rather than just telling you what he think is sales-worthy, he can connect with you. And probably sell you some tires.

By seeking first to understand, we can then communicate more readily with the people in our lives, and, in business, with clients and customers.

Understand?

Photo by maldiviandude.

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1. Understand The Perspective, Don’t Label the Person

Every afternoon he’d come toddling in and the wait staff would fall in behind him as wound his way through the bar and headed to the patio where we offered draft beer for a buck a glass.  WE called it our really, really happy hour.  The first brew would land nearly simultaneous with his arrival at ‘his’ table.  He would smile a broken smile and settle in, shoulders slouched, ankles crossed, and adopt the thousand yard stare of a man who has been too many places but no place to go.

We became friends of sorts. I’m not good at having ‘buddies,’ especially when I have a restaurant to run.  He loved to start a conversation knowing it would lead to prolonged discussion.  Sometimes I could feel the day growing longer, passing in slow motion, but for him, I think the conversations made days going slowly nowhere feel a little more life-like.

He was a smart man.  He talked about encounters with great thinkers whose names I knew and books I had read but never dreamed of meeting.  And to be really truthful,   my little judgmental voice oftenwhispered that he hadn’t met such people either.

We sold the restaurant and I gave no thought about what would fill his long afternoons.

Within a month a flat, letter-size envelope arrived looking for all the world like it had been carried in a back pocket for a week.  The return address, written in dull-pointed pencil, read “Richard Cage” in block print letters that looked not much better than mine.

I thought, “Who the hell is Richard Cage?” and turned envelope every which way in a futile attempt to divine the answer.

Buns had just finished with her pile of mail and with the eagle-eye of a BINGO player poked her finger at the slab of Manila and pronounced, “You know Richard. He’s the buck-a-beer guy!”

Sliding the contents the envelope onto the table revealed a letter. Nine pages. Little did I imagine that this scene was to be repeated every month or so. Each envelope followed by as surprisingly artful rendition of an armadillo?

There were letters, all of them long, on a wide range of topics.  We discussed, via old fashioned post, aerodynamics, hydraulics, basic physics, management, history, and more. His final letter was on philosophy and his big point was, “You can’t punish or embarrass someone into doing something.”

Our hometown weekly paper includes a column by a local radio personality and, in this particular issue he told the tale of a local builder attempting to file a request for an inspection.  Being close to City Hall the builder entered the appropriate department and stated his business only to be told by the clerk that all inspection requests must be phoned in. (The system allows requests to be logged and performance measures to be reported.  In the vacuum of an office it makes pretty good sense.)

Not thinking, the busy clerk said she could not accept his request in person. And without further thought or explanation told the gentleman to just use his cell and an inspection would be scheduled right away.

Now there is some debate as to whether or not he was denied use of the department phone or whether or not it was suggested that he leave the building to place his call.

Even if you don’t believe the entire story there is still plenty of reason to shake your head and think, “Your tax dollars at work.”

If you think about it, someone who cares about the city might have called for a supervisor. But if your goal is not to solve the problem but to rub a face in an innocent mistake, you take the story to the media. Where it grows with each retelling.

Perhaps the intent was to make things better by “punishing or embarrassing someone into something.”

“Oh, golly!” said the poof of silvery hair that sits across the table from me at breakfast.  “Richard Cage died.”  I thought instantly of the pile of letters I had received and the pile that would go unwritten.

At the funeral there was a small clutch of Masons and, other than ourselves, only one couple who we guessed managed the small apartment complex where Richard had spent his final days.

When the preacher spoke we were surprised to learn that Richard had been CIA and Special Forces, an expert in the martial arts.  That he held numerous degrees from elite universities explained the long and thoughtful letters he shared with me.  He was someone. But I knew that.

And so I suspect that the clerk who just for a moment got a little stupid is also someone. Maybe she is a good mom, a loving daughter, and who knows, a budding musician or a community volunteer.  I’ve got a feeling that had Richard Cage been the one applying for the permit the situation would have turned out differently.  He would have recognized that this clerk was ’someone’ and that you can’t punish or embarrass anyone into something.

(Richard, I owe you another seven pages.)

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I’m guilty myself. I see a problem. I assume other people see the problem and that they will define it the same way that I define it. I assume that we all understand what the criteria for a “good” solution will be. And I dive head-first into a conversation where I try to “sell” my solution to the problem as I see it.

Here’s a thought: stop discussing the solution until we agree on the definition of the problem.

In the process, you might ask questions like:

• Do we both agree that there is a problem?
• What is the problem?
• What is the scope of the problem?
• What is causing the problem?
• What would a good solution look like?

Until we reach agreement on these starting questions, we can never agree on the solution to the problem.

How many conflicts could we resolve, reduce, or even eliminate if we all stopped talking about the solution long enough to understand our different ways of defining the problem?

Photo courtesy of www.sxc.hu.

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1. A Better Way To Give Bad News
2. Understand The Perspective, Don’t Label the Person

For several years, StoryCorps has been running stories of everyday people on National Public Radio, and in the process has evoked memories of people coping and celebrating the challenges and joys that life presents.

While StoryCorps is focused on personal stories, it teaches us key lessons that leaders can practice.

One, listen to one another. StoryCorps invites relatives as well as close friends to venture into their special recording booths to tell their stories via personal interviews. Leaders need no booths or recording devices. They simply need time. And time is what few leaders have, but savvy ones realize that if they can carve out time for their people, dividends in the form of information and insight are valuable. Surveys and polls cannot share the up-close and personal views that individuals carry with them. Listening in can open the leader’s ears to what is happening as well as what is not happening.

Two, share your experience. StoryCorps interviewees become interpreters of unique experiences, such as coping with loss, raising a child, caring for an elderly person, or helping a neighbor. A bond between interviewer and interviewee is shared by radio listeners. The same can occur, but much more directly, when leaders sit down and converse with their people. Genuine leaders are those who can make their listeners feel as if they are the only people in the room. That creates a foundation of trust that is essential to getting things done right, especially in tough times.

There is a third lesson, as evidenced by the vast collection of stories gathered by StoryCorps: all of us have a story to tell. Leaders need to spread the stories of their people as a means of creating meaning as well as purpose to their organization. These stories come in all flavors. Celebrate the good things that employees do for customers. Most often this comes through in customer service people going the extra mile for their customers. But they also come in the stories of volunteerism. So many organizations encourage their people to participate in community service programs, even on company time. The best way to encourage such participation is to allow people to share their stories through the corporate website. Do it via podcast or simple videos, or simple newsletter items.

Stories, as StoryCorps reminds us, are acts of sharing that enables others to gain insight into your own personal experience. Leaders who spread stories are encouraging the practice of learning in ways that extend behind words to create experiences reinforce organizational culture and purpose.

Photo courtesy www.sxc.hu.

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1. Listening: An Act of Love
2. “Teaching” Collaboration: Preparing for the Future

Part One: Focus on “Strengths”
Starting a new collaborative effort means getting to know each individual’s strengths (the ways that person excels). Listening and watching for what excites an individual can provide powerful clues to his/her unique abilities and interests. Often friends or colleagues can offer useful insights as well.

After identifying individual strengths, we determine what the student group, as a whole, is good at. Are many members good at the same things?  That’s where the group’s success will lie. Do members have varying talents? Then the group’s success may mean fusing their strengths into something new.

Part Two: Share the Power
Once a group begins working from collective strengths, it is important to foster shared power. Students find it useful to determine- ahead of time- how they will work together when issues arise. This involves recognizing who has well-developed communication skills and can encourage others to contribute when things get tough. It also involves deciding in advance how conflicts will be managed- through compromise, reframing, voting or what? When people share equal power- not just at the beginning but throughout the collaboration- they are more apt to freely contribute their resources and gifts to create a real win-win.

Part Three: Approach challenges with a positive “learning focus”
When challenges arise, and they always do, I encourage a positive, “learning focus.”  No matter what happens, there is always a way to learn something new. This approach may not come naturally; today’s students are not used to persisting when their vision gets clouded. But, if their work stops, they lose a valuable chance to learn. That’s why emphasizing a “learning focus” becomes critical.

Collaboration in Action
One semester my students worked with a local nonprofit to design a new brochure. The students were excited about creating something innovative. But the community partner wanted a brochure like those from the past. It seemed there was an impasse- the community partner wouldn’t give in and the students grew discouraged. The challenge: break the collaboration or learn. Fortunately, the students persisted.

Their solution? They made two brochures and let the community partner decide which one to use. The students learned, produced some great samples for their portfolios, and the community partner got the unexpected benefit of two brochures.

Celebrate Successes
These out-of-classroom experiences are gratifying for me and eye opening for students. It’s rewarding to see them recognize their strengths, develop ways to share power, and cultivate a “learning focus.” I know their collaborative work gives them important leadership tools for the future. That’s something to celebrate- and we do!

Photo from www.sxc.hu.

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Buon Giorno Coffee, located about a mile from my office, has built a booming business for that very reason.  It sells good coffee, but those who gather there go for connection.  It’s definitely a destination stop; there are no other shopping attractions nearby.  On any week night, you’ll find teens hanging out there to do their school projects.  On weekday mornings, moms meet for muffins, Bible studies, investment seminars, and after-workout lunch dates.  Business professionals take their laptops there to work out spreadsheet data with a colleague.  Couples meet friends there after a ball game.  Lines are long, but nobody seems to mind waiting for a table.  Tables are not the point; hanging around is.

What do they all have in common?  Talking to someone who cares to listen.

Starbucks also generates buzz because it creates community for those who gather there.  A couple of years ago, it “featured” a book called Listening Is an Act of Love, a collection of compelling excerpts from more than 10,000 interviews recorded and compiled by StoryCorps founder Dave Isay.  Each story—a single moment in time, either historical, emotional, or personal—grabs the essence of that person and reflects their human struggles with love, family, loyalty, or whatever.

StoryCorp’s founder had a correct hunch: Many people feel invisible. They believe that what they think, feel, and say doesn’t matter.  They fear they’ll be forgotten once they leave planet earth—that their lives will not have mattered.  So all the producer had to do was to provide a facility, recording equipment, and a facilitator, and then wait for people to invite their family members and friends to sit down and talk.

The results:  Poignant stories for those willing to listen.

French philosopher Voltaire summed it up well:  “The shortest route to a man’s heart is through the ear.”

As you approach the high school or college reunion, graduation ceremony, wedding, family gathering, or other social event, consider your listening-talking differential:  Which body part does most of the work when you’re with friends and family—ears or mouth?   Where’s the love?

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