Does your team operate as a healthy community? Here are the three things we had to do to stay sane under one roof:

#1: Trust Each Other

To build trust in a relationship, everyone should be able to say the following statements to their colleagues and leaders.

1. I believe that you care about me as a person.
2. I believe that you won’t judge me on second-hand information. If you hear someone saying negative things about me, you will vow to check this out for yourself.
3. I believe that you won’t talk negatively about me to others. If we have a problem, you will come to me to talk about it. If you have to sort things out with someone else first, you will come to me shortly after.
4. If I have a problem with you, I will ask to speak to you privately soon after the offense occurred. I will then:
   • Get clear about what I believe happened that made me feel the way I do.
   • Listen to your perspective and try to understand what you meant
   • Work toward an agreement with you about how we will handle these situations better in the future.

#2: Honor the changes we are all experiencing

Every time priorities, job responsibilities and the make-up of the team changes, so do we. Plus, our lives outside of work are constantly changing. Therefore, we should honor and support each other as we live through change. Periodically, we should renew our relationships by asking:

• How do we describe our relationships? Are they easy? Hard? Why?
• What needs to be celebrated about how we have related so far?
• What can we agree to leave behind?
• What should we agree to continue/stop/start doing from this point going forward?

This is an especially useful exercise when one peer is promoted or given a great new assignment above his or her friends. Looking at the new relationship will help to relieve hard feelings.

#3: Commit to playing together

There is nothing more nourishing and renewing than play. To create healthy bonds at work, you need to laugh with your colleagues and share fun experiences.

Good peer relationships are vital to your success. Bad relationships can be fatal. It’s not enough to make sure everyone is talking. You have to continually talk about how you can get along better to reach your peak of effectiveness. Create a healthy community to ensure your team’s success.

© Marcia Reynolds

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1. How Would You Define The Problem?

1. Never discuss business in bed.
   When your business partner is also your spouse, you must create spaces where business is not spoken. Stick to this rule even when you get an idea so hot you don’t think it can wait until the next day. Get up and get out of the bedroom.
2. Have a business plan, but prepare to make changes in it as your enterprise grows and evolves.
   Without one, you run the risk of reacting to whatever comes along. A business plan helps you distinguish between what furthers your goals and what distracts from them.
3. Let the talents/interests/tendencies of each partner determine the division of labor and try to stick to it.
   For example, if one of you is creative or gifted in sales and marketing, give him or her free rein.  Appreciate the partner who does the grunt work like book-keeping and ordering supplies.  Agree to delegate essential tasks neither one wants, e.g. a virtual assistant for administrative chores.
4. Impose business hours on your work day so your business doesn’t overrun your life.
   Schedule meetings for specific purposes, take notes as you would in any work setting, and put all follow up tasks on a calendar. Write everything down. A structure, like the division of labor, helps you to avoid duplicating effort and minimizes the chances of important tasks falling through the cracks.
5. Set aside time when you don’t discuss business at all.
   This is tough when the business is fun and/or demanding.  Achieving a good work/life balance is important for its own sake, and your relationship — and perhaps your business as well — will be the better for it. Take an exercise break together or apart. Learn to enjoy being together in silence: reading, meditating, or gardening.
6. Avoid criticism; focus on what works well and what you can do better, individually and as a team.
   Practice communication skills you’d use on a client on each other. Make requests of each other.  Don’t complain.
7. Consult on and make all the big decisions together.
   Let the smaller decisions be made by the one chiefly responsible, then stand by that decision. Of course, this is rarely so cut and dried, but it helps to have the intention and trust each other to follow through.
8. Above all, have fun.
   Learn to laugh at your mistakes. If you’re like many people, you have had work that wasn’t always satisfying or fulfilling. This is an opportunity to create a work environment that WORKS for you, with the person you know better than any co-worker or employee, by your side. Enjoy the journey together and celebrate accomplishments and victories, big and small.

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My wife is outgoing and more task-oriented than people-oriented. She likes to move fast. She tends to make decisions on-the-fly and to work in a stream-of-consciousness fashion. She finds it easy to jump from topic to topic or from task to task.

My oldest daughter is much like me with a female perspective. She is a bit more sensitive than I am, but not much. She recently told me that she often does not like people because they do things that do not make sense. We have a running joke between us that one of us hurt the other’s feeling (Yes, feeling is singular and not plural.)

My youngest daughter is a lot like my wife. She moves fast, talks fast, and decides fast. She is different from my wife in that she tends a little more towards the people-oriented side of life. She loves to laugh, have fun, and play. She often leaves clothes on the floor or dishes on the counter because she “forgot” about them in moving on to the next thing.

I struggle with understanding the three female perspectives on life that live in the same house with me. I struggle to shift mental gears when either my wife or my youngest daughter makes a request of me with an “oh, by the way…” start while I’m working on a project that requires focus.

My wife struggles to find ways to communicate with me that respect my need to stay focused on my current task-at-hand without interruption. She struggles to slow down and allow my oldest daughter the time she needs to process requests before answering. She also struggles to restrain her frustration when my youngest daughter fails to follow-through on a task.

My oldest daughter struggles to understand and value her sister’s more light-hearted perspective on life. She has to guard against her own perfectionism when she comments on her sister’s singing. She also struggles with her mother’s intensity and drive when tasks need to be finished in a short period of time. To her, her mother looks angry, and she often responds accordingly by withdrawing from rather than engaging with her mother.

My youngest daughter struggles to allow me to work without interruption. She finds it difficult to stay quiet or to work without music when I am working on business matters. She can run afoul of her mother with her occasionally too quick wit and mouth. She really gets frustrated with her sister’s performance expectations.

In a nutshell, that is my team, my family, my work unit. And somehow we have to find a way to make this work.

We all understand the DISC model of human behavior. We all work to understand each other’s perspective. We work (almost) every day to apply what I have learned professionally to our family dynamic. It’s still hard work.

How different are we from your family or your business team?

I would guess, not very.

We are all similar, and yet we are different. We have different levels of maturity, different levels of knowledge, different levels of skill, and different perspectives on the “right” way to do things.

Still, we have to find a way to make this work.

All the knowledge and skills in the world don’t make a difference in the functioning of a family or a team without a desire and willingness to make it work. As one of my mentors taught me, “commitment and compatibility are two different things.”

As you move forward in your business and personal life, I encourage you to focus more on commitment than on compatibility.

After all, we have to find a way to make this work.

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“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Are you upset with your sweetheart; unsatisfied with your raise; bearing physical pain; worried about something; suffering from depression; feeling ignored?  Yet you say “I’m fine” and sweep your emotions under the rug.  We’re not dealing with burnt toast, folks.  The experiences and issues that weave the threads of your life together warrant both attention and discussion.  What’s worse…many of you keep silent the good stuff as well.  If you’ve got a brilliant idea; can help out a situation, love someone with all of your heart… Well, SPEAK ON, DEAR FRIEND!  We spend half of our lives biting our tongues when we should speak up and share ourselves!  Chat up your truth –the connection you make will bring solution, satisfaction and peace of mind.

Net-net:  You want to “stickitivity”, folks? Create an unshakably positive, people-packed future by seeking authenticity in all who surround you.  But more importantly, choose respect for yourself by unabashedly standing in truth and talk it up!  Reveal its power and revel in the liberation it returns.

©2000-2009 by Kimberlie Dykeman. SOAPBOX® is a registered trademark of Kimberlie Dykeman.  This article contains excerpts from copyrighted SOAPBOX® vignettes and Kimberlie Dykeman’s book “Pure Soapbox”.

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These are the words I most often use from Managing with Aloha when asked why I feel Lōkahi is the Hawaiian value which conveys teamwork best of all.

When we work within a team, that dynamic of needing to join heads and hands with others is the critical component, isn’t it. We aren’t alone, and we need to function by cooperating with others as best as we possibly can. Beyond simple cooperation we need to collaborate, allowing our shared inputs and ideas to become woven and blended; unified. Compromise may happen, but we hope not; we want better than that cooperation of having to give up something. We want to achieve some new creation of dazzling unity where no one had to give up anything. No bright idea dimmed.

On the contrary, our team ended up being stronger than we initially could even imagine was possible. Not only was there room in the effort for everyone to participate, the effort itself took on a kind of magic, and a new creation was revealed. There was a transformation of some kind, and the transformation may have been us! People emerged from their contributions and their shared working efforts feeling victorious, and saying things like, “Amazing; how incredible was that?” and “Who would have thought we would actually pull that off?”

When teams work together best, individuals emerge bigger than they were before: They’ve been lifted up, or have grown in some way. The Lōkahi unity which was achieved did not diminish anyone, or worse, leave them out. On the contrary, it gave them the possibility to explore a potent capacity they weren’t even aware they still could explore. The most successful teams are those which make individuals stronger and more confident in their own abilities: They have witnessed how their contributions served others.

So my question for you today is this: When you begin working with a new team, or with your existing team at the start of a brand new day, are those outcomes I have just described the outcomes you set your sights on? What goal do you have in mind?

This is how I will describe Lōkahi from now on: I will own it in my Kuleana (my personal sense of responsibility), and say, “Lōkahi seeks my harmony with bringing people to creative agreement. It is my value of cooperation, collaboration, and unity.” I am that common thread. I am that defining critical one in the success of each team I engage with. I don’t mean that it is all about me, not at all. I do mean it is about my own behavior, my own contribution, my own initiative, and my own willingness to cooperate with the greater desire to collaborate. Lōkahi teams do not happen without Lōkahi people.

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