Delivering bad news is as undesirable as it is unavoidable. Nobody wants to do it. Yet sooner or later, most of us have faced the agonizing responsibility of communicating a message about corporate downsizing, quarterly losses, or poor job performance. Even the highest-ranking executives take extreme measures to sidestep the task—they hide out in their offices or delegate the duty to the next in command.

When it comes to delivering the tough stuff, we tell ourselves:

• If I wait, the situation will resolve itself.
• This isn’t a good time; I’ll do it later.

Most likely, these statements are unfounded and thinking them only puts off the inevitable.

Here are some tips on serving up bad news with compassion and dignity:

1) SET THE STAGE for the relationship between the presenter and audience. Identify the goals, needs, and expectations of the audience. Consider the emotional temperature—the nature and intensity of the audience’s thoughts and feelings—that will be brought into the meeting. For example, how will the company downsizing impact them? Then take your own emotional temperature as well.

2) SEND THE MESSAGE. Think about what the audience should be inclined to do, think, or feel at the end of the presentation. Avoid generalities like, “I want them to understand the infrastructure changes.” Instead, think along the lines of “I want them to be excited about the direction our company is taking and see this as a positive change.”

3) ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM. The Good News: “Congratulations, you’ve been promoted to Managing Director!” The Bad News: “Despite increased performance, there will be a substantial cut in your bonuses.” This message was not likely to be well-received by my client’s group. After Setting the Stage and rehearsing, she began announcing the news by acknowledging the problem, then continued with an outline for turning the situation around. She complimented them on effective teamwork, while keeping the focus of her presentation on how this would translate into future financial rewards for everyone.

4) STAY ON TRACK. The stress of telling someone something they don’t want to hear can be paralyzing. Here are some inner monologues to help you avoid “meltdown.” Repeat these phrases to yourself to help you stay on track:

• I need to tell you this
• We need to discuss this
• You must hear this

5) BE SPECIFIC. Start out with a positive statement about the person’s performance. Make sure it’s sincere, not empty flattery. Then get on to the hard stuff by expressing feelings of concern. Start with, “This is very difficult for me to say, but I need to tell you…” Use specifics, stating clearly what happened and giving as much detail as possible. Provide concrete examples of goals for change as well as target dates. Giving critical feedback won’t work without offering alternative actions and a time period for fulfillment. Finally, solicit feedback. Take into account the listener’s thoughts and perspectives and you will dramatically improve their chances of meeting the objectives.

Photo courtesy of www.sxc.hu.

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Most of us tend to think of the first conversation, the content, as the important one. We worry a lot about what to say when we’re preparing for an important meeting, giving a big speech, or proposing marriage. We rarely give as much thought to the second conversation: the body language.  Then when the communication doesn’t go well, we’re surprised and don’t understand why.

The reason is usually that our two conversations have been in conflict with one another. Our words were confident perhaps, but our body language — the second conversation was nervous. And as research into how the brain works grows in depth and sophistication, we’re coming to understand that what I’m calling the second conversation is actually more important in some ways than the first one.

What we’re learning is that we get nonverbal, unconscious impulses for a lot of the important things that drive us: relationships, safety, emotional needs, fears, desires, meeting new people, seeing old friends, and so on.  Our bodies immediately start to act on these impulses, and then, a bit later, we form a conscious thought about what we’re doing. It’s as though our rational minds are explaining to ourselves after the fact why we’re doing something.

For example, we are all unconscious experts at reading other people’s body language. But few of us are good at reading body language consciously. Instead, we get impressions and ascribe intent to the other person. We think to ourselves: “He doesn’t like me very much,” or “She’s trying to cut me out,” or “They really think I’m funny.”  And it’s at this level of intent that most of our own body language begins.

If you start to think consciously about your body language because you want to control it and make it align with your content, you run into a problem: you’re thinking consciously about an unconscious activity, which slows your body language down and makes it happen just a bit late. The people around you, those unconscious experts, sense that something is wrong, but they can’t put their fingers on the problem precisely. They’ll think something like: “He didn’t seem real” or “She looked fake — scripted or something.” They won’t tell you the real problem — that your gestures and content are out of sync — because they’re not consciously aware of what’s going on.

Instead, then, of trying to control your body language consciously, work on it unconsciously.  Get an emotional attitude, and because emotion drives gestures, that will take care of your body language.  So, if you’re giving a big speech, decide what your emotional attitude is toward it:  excitement, passion, fun – anything but nervousness.  Then focus on that emotion hard before you start to speak.  Think to yourself: “I’m thrilled to be able to speak with these people. It’s a great opportunity.  I’m going to rock!” You’ll find that your body language and content are aligned when you do this, and you will become a persuasive, effective communicator.

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A message’s effectiveness decreases in direct proportion to the number of people that message is addressed to.

Selling soap or cheese or sedans, this meant that our target was never “women”, but “college-educated women living in urban centers”–or better yet, “women who ride mass transit, read The Daily Beast and buy fresh flowers from the Korean deli once weekly”, or what you whippersnappers call “personas.”

You can extrapolate from that to communicate more effectively with almost everyone by learning to talk to just one person, no matter what your medium: a presentation to hundreds, a podcast to thousands, an article to millions.

Okay, so there aren’t a million people who actually read anymore. Point is, picking one, specific person you know who could benefit from whatever it is you have to talk about will help you craft and deliver your message so it lands with many more. (For those of you who with on-camera or presenting experience, the effect is not unlike “placing” one person in the lens or connecting with one member of the audience so that everyone feels like you’re speaking directly to them.)

To figure out what kind of content will work best, look at your material as it relates to this one person:

• If I did a perfect job of relaying the information, how would my boss respond? Would she know enough to make a certain decision? Would she be excited enough to sneeze about it?
• How much does my uncle know about this subject already? Can I start in the middle, or do I need to ease into it for him?

Then you can work backwards from the desired result to figure out some “ways in”–how to communicate in a way that’s relevant, meaningful and effective:

• Will Chris respond to stories? Hard data? Images? Zen koans?
• What is my hair colorist’s main concern in life? His sense of humor? How can I connect with each of these so my message “lands”?
• Is my sensitive next-door neighbor going to have a negative reaction if I swear like a drunken sailor?
• Is my 90-year-old grandmother going to be able to read this if it’s printed in 8-point type?

In the end, of course, you’re probably speaking to more than one person. But if you start out with a laser-like focus on one, you’re more likely to reach them all. Because not only will you have a real understanding of what your audience wants and needs, you’ll reconnect with what it is about this message that ignites your own passion.

And nothing communicates better than passion…

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In a study, Yale students were sent, one-by-one, down a hallway where they would pass a lab assistant.  The assistant’s hands were full, holding a clipboard, textbooks, papers and a cup of either hot or iced coffee. He asked each passing student for a hand with the cup.

Just minutes later the students read about a fictional person then ranked that individual on a range from warm, thoughtful and social to cold, selfish and less social. You guessed it.  Those who’d held the cup of hot coffee were more likely to rank that individual more positively than the students who’d held the iced java. They were “primed” to do so.  It reflects “the automaticity of everyday life.”  Priming can prompt “good” or “bad” behavior.

Those, for example, who briefly saw words on a screen like “support” or “dependable” acted more cooperatively. Those who saw a briefcase during an experiment became more competitive. From what we touch, smell or see it takes only small sensory cues to influence our behavior.

Priming is most powerful when done in the same sensory mode as the original experience. For example, along the back of the yard of my grandmother’s modest home ran an abandoned railway track. The wood that supported the iron tracks was soaked with creosote. Even today, when I get even a faint whiff of that acrid smell I smile with the memory of many happy times with Grandma Louise.

How are you being primed to feel, act or buy? I have a Las Vegas hotel client that increased per-guest spending and positive views of the hotel staff’s service – even their attractiveness – all evoked by one sensory change. From check-in to gaming areas and hallways, the hotelier wafts the scent of sunscreen lotion. (“Hey honey, we’re on vacation, the world looks good and we’re going to play.”) Why not can prime yourself and those around you for positive experiences?

• What messages and images are on your walls at home to prime your family to feel secure, happy and, well, at home? Or behind you as you sit at your office? What do others repeatedly touch, smell or hear when around you? Do you like to effect those sensory cues evoke?
• What do you share, give away or show others with whom you want to feel closer?
• How can you cultivate closeness and positive memories by special, repeated multi-sensory rituals, foods and celebrations?
• As friends or clients meet with you, what will they smell, see, hear or touch? How might those experiences affect how they feel about you and what you discuss?  It is all about context.

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