I’m guilty myself. I see a problem. I assume other people see the problem and that they will define it the same way that I define it. I assume that we all understand what the criteria for a “good” solution will be. And I dive head-first into a conversation where I try to “sell” my solution to the problem as I see it.

Here’s a thought: stop discussing the solution until we agree on the definition of the problem.

In the process, you might ask questions like:

• Do we both agree that there is a problem?
• What is the problem?
• What is the scope of the problem?
• What is causing the problem?
• What would a good solution look like?

Until we reach agreement on these starting questions, we can never agree on the solution to the problem.

How many conflicts could we resolve, reduce, or even eliminate if we all stopped talking about the solution long enough to understand our different ways of defining the problem?

Photo courtesy of www.sxc.hu.

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Delivering bad news is as undesirable as it is unavoidable. Nobody wants to do it. Yet sooner or later, most of us have faced the agonizing responsibility of communicating a message about corporate downsizing, quarterly losses, or poor job performance. Even the highest-ranking executives take extreme measures to sidestep the task—they hide out in their offices or delegate the duty to the next in command.

When it comes to delivering the tough stuff, we tell ourselves:

• If I wait, the situation will resolve itself.
• This isn’t a good time; I’ll do it later.

Most likely, these statements are unfounded and thinking them only puts off the inevitable.

Here are some tips on serving up bad news with compassion and dignity:

1) SET THE STAGE for the relationship between the presenter and audience. Identify the goals, needs, and expectations of the audience. Consider the emotional temperature—the nature and intensity of the audience’s thoughts and feelings—that will be brought into the meeting. For example, how will the company downsizing impact them? Then take your own emotional temperature as well.

2) SEND THE MESSAGE. Think about what the audience should be inclined to do, think, or feel at the end of the presentation. Avoid generalities like, “I want them to understand the infrastructure changes.” Instead, think along the lines of “I want them to be excited about the direction our company is taking and see this as a positive change.”

3) ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM. The Good News: “Congratulations, you’ve been promoted to Managing Director!” The Bad News: “Despite increased performance, there will be a substantial cut in your bonuses.” This message was not likely to be well-received by my client’s group. After Setting the Stage and rehearsing, she began announcing the news by acknowledging the problem, then continued with an outline for turning the situation around. She complimented them on effective teamwork, while keeping the focus of her presentation on how this would translate into future financial rewards for everyone.

4) STAY ON TRACK. The stress of telling someone something they don’t want to hear can be paralyzing. Here are some inner monologues to help you avoid “meltdown.” Repeat these phrases to yourself to help you stay on track:

• I need to tell you this
• We need to discuss this
• You must hear this

5) BE SPECIFIC. Start out with a positive statement about the person’s performance. Make sure it’s sincere, not empty flattery. Then get on to the hard stuff by expressing feelings of concern. Start with, “This is very difficult for me to say, but I need to tell you…” Use specifics, stating clearly what happened and giving as much detail as possible. Provide concrete examples of goals for change as well as target dates. Giving critical feedback won’t work without offering alternative actions and a time period for fulfillment. Finally, solicit feedback. Take into account the listener’s thoughts and perspectives and you will dramatically improve their chances of meeting the objectives.

Photo courtesy of www.sxc.hu.

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And contrary to the psychology industry’s biological notion that we choose our mates based on a biological desire to keep our species going, we actually come together on a psychological plane. What actually happens as we mature into adults, and experience relationships that do not lead to marriage, is we develop an unconscious picture of this soul mate. Anyone who has met that one person understands that falling in love is not a biological experience but a mental one, that falling in love happens at a speed unimaginable to those who have not had this most wonderful experience.

But now comes the hard part, trying to figure out how to develop a life together. While the falling in love part happens beyond any imaginable time frame, the falling out of love happens at a turtle’s pace. What is needed to understand is this change in the relationship that takes someone from “for better or worse” to it’s over.

As it turns out, we develop our emotional perspectives from birth, by the examples given to us by our parents. In marriages where the couple struggles between sticking together and splitting up these influences can determine the outcome. What cause those conflicts in so many marriages are these negative insecurities from our past that cause us to fear the same result from our partner today.

What we are doing when we introduce anger and arguments into our marriages is projecting these past insecurities onto our partners, fearing those same results that we have seen before. This is where the wedge in the marriage comes from. What eventually happens after we project those insecurities enough times is we transfer those negative emotions from our past relationships onto our partner causing us to decide to get divorced.

The secret to success is confronting our demons and slaying our dragons, as the sayings go. And this takes courage. For us to be able to look at our partners from a clear, objective perspective we must understand and overcome those influences from our past, we must forgive those who we believe have caused us to be fearful of our current relationship. In psychological terms this is called catharsis. What we must do as individuals is realize that we can look anew at our perspective of our own insecurities. Only then will we be able to develop a marriage where we can stick together throughout whatever life dishes out to us.

To give an example, I forgave my parents when I was 25. I had a conversation with a friend where each was trying to outdo the other on who had the worst childhood, only he still loved his parents. I realized after that conversation that I was wrong in the anger I had built up towards my parents. I admitted for the first time in my adult life that I was wrong. Admitting your mistakes gets a lot easier after that first time.

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Instinctively he reacts in one of two ways:

1. Stepping Back (saying little, going blank-faced, silent or even walking away) or
2. Escalating Up (counter-attacking, speaking louder, standing closer).

It’s instinctual – beyond our conscious choice. These are rapid, thin slices of gut reactions and responses. The charged air change happens in milliseconds. We’ve already made each other wrong.

Worse, we know it is easier to escalate up into conflict rather than over into connection – and more likely to end badly. That happens because our primitive brain is wired for survival.

Put more bluntly, self-protection trumps happiness or helpfulness in the sequence of gut instinctual reactions. Yet we can reduce the fear response and increase our ability to make connection, even in times of potential conflict. With practice, these steps have helped me, with this caveat: One can be convincing without being right.

“There is no greater mistake than the hasty conclusion that opinions are worthless because they are badly argued.” ~ Thomas Huxley

Unless I fairly state his position first, he and bystanders will instinctively doubt mine.

The most likely way to change your mind or his is to:

1. Slow down your responses, especially when you feel like acting more rapidly.
2. Speak to his positive intent, especially when you feel like maligning his motives.
3. Re-state his view fairly, completely, without negative, emotion-laden descriptors As the author of Trust Me, Nick Morgan advises, “You have to argue the other side’s case on its own merits. To forestall criticism and avoid inflaming a debate further, understand and be ready to give the other side’s position. Fairly. First. And forthrightly.”
4. Ask for confirmation that you got it right, listen fully to his response and then confirm you hear any modifications he suggested.
5. Then and only then can you state your position and expect to be heard.
6. Brevity is better. It is less likely you’ll be interrupted and more likely you’ll be understood. (This is a point I struggle to practice.)
7. Ask others to comment. That’s when you see your stand through their eyes.  In so doing, you will know how to address what most matters to them. You may change how you feel about the issue.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

There’s an added benefit in taking this approach.

You are strengthening the thread of conversation – so others are more inclined to keep talking about the issue rather than getting sidetracked.  I called this Triangling in a book I wrote long ago, Getting What You Want. When two people can focus on the issue in front of them (the third point in the triangle) rather than on each other’s reactions, then it becomes safer to talk about the issue. You may feel less instinctual need to attack the other person or defend yourself.

Bottom line benefits: Afterwards, you may like yourself and the other person better.

Plus with this approach:

1. It is easier to stay calm and in the conversation.
2. Everyone has a greater chance of being heard rather than feeling attacked.
3. You are more likely to sway others and to be open to change.
4. Rather than being destroyed, relationships may even be strengthened.

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Responding from the heart in the face of difficulties is the road less traveled. It is what distinguishes our most inspirational heroes, such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Mary Stokes Paul.

I think of the heart as a powerful and loving energy that will not allow our integrity to be compromised and will not compromise the integrity of anyone else. Responding to a potential conflict from the heart leaves us feeling best about ourselves, like our own hero and opens the door for a deepening intimacy in our relationships.

There are many feelings and behaviors that describe the heart, such as love, warmth, and caring. Simply put, they all embody compassion and learning.

In an upsetting situation there are always very important reasons for beliefs, behavior, thoughts or feelings. With an attitude of compassion, we respectfully engage in:

1. Wanting to deeply understand the other person’s position.
2. Learning about our own position and any part we may have in the difficulty.
3. Searching for resolutions that preserve everyone’s integrity.

Although staying heart-connected in the face of upsets is an ideal that no one is always able to maintain, losing our heart does not cause the worst of our difficulties. Failing to learn from those experiences is the Achilles heel that festers into serious relationship problems.

The essential first step in living more heart-connected is to know when you have lost your heart connection. A simple way to know this is to ask yourself, “Am I feeling compassion and am I open to learning about myself and my partner?” Without that awareness you are stuck.

Once you realize that you are disconnected you can:

• Take personal responsibility and acknowledge that you have lost your heart connection. For example, “In trying to prove my point and change you. I lost my heart and I feel badly about that.”
• Do something to regain your center, such as taking some deep breaths or a time out.
• Learn more about the beliefs and fears that created your disconnection. “There are some important issues for me to confront here and I am committed to working on them. I’d also like to know more about your thoughts and feelings.”
• Express sadness about any wounding that occurred when you were disconnected and clean up the difficulties that resulted. Such as, “I feel badly that I disrespected you, and I would like to heal any bad feelings.”
• Begin a compassionate dialogue to resolve the difficulties. “Is there anything else you’re needing before we can try again to get through this issue, and in particular, are you needing anything else from me?

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Conversely, what can bring us down the most – if we let it – is rudeness, indifference, and other negative words and actions from others.

So here is a simple but powerful and transformative – that is, intense – experience for you.

First, make a list of the people you don’t like who impact your life.

This can include those in your professional and personal world, and those in the public eye, who rub you the wrong way or who — if you didn’t believe in kindness and compassion or at least in avoiding jail — you’d flat out enjoy punching in the nose.

Surely a few folks spring to mind.

Consider each person on your list in this regard:

What is it about this person that is worth emulating?

Instead of focusing on their disagreeable qualities, that is, for each person shift your perspective to what their best qualities are … more particularly, to the aspects of their character YOU could learn from and perhaps use more of.

Everyone has something worth emulating. Though certain people may deserve to be jailed or impeached, even they have qualities worth appreciating and emulating.

It is our reactionary egos that are prone to completely trash those who seem to have a negative influence in some way on us.

Our egos are primitive; if somebody strokes them, that somebody is good, and if somebody kicks them, that somebody is bad.

This lingering reaction creates the notion of dislike, or hate, which blocks our mind and heart from focusing on anything but the negative. But by focusing on the negative, we are doing by far the most damage to ourselves.

Honing in on what we don’t like in people won’t change them, but it does make us far less peaceful, productive and happy. It becomes a habit that perpetuates the self-damage. Plus it makes us considerably less attractive to others.

This is not a call to accept being taken advantage of by people; if changes need to occur to avoid those circumstances then by all means do what is ethical to make those changes.

But it IS a call not to let those people – really, your own ego – pull you down into discord where you don’t deserve to be.

The key then is not to let your ego rule, but to try to focus on what is worth emulating in those “unlikeable” people.

And the second step is to extend that practice to daily life.

The next time you encounter someone who seems disagreeable or worse, don’t focus on what makes him or her so lousy. Focus instead on what it is about this person that is worth emulating. Keep striving to do this until it becomes a habit you don’t even need to think about.

You will be quite surprised at how this shift in your perspective reduces your overall anxiety and enables you to achieve more … and achieve it happily.

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